He must have been a long while staring at the screen without a reason , but , only a few minutes before he had lain spent over the computer table again feeling ashamed of his actions.
He felt for movement outside the room there was no one, in his shame incubated like a monster he lay , full of thoughts which speeded the blood flow in his veins which pulled him towards the soft satiny feeling of warmth and passion all the while , but the images were so hooking and even the feeling which it generated were so outlandish that nothing could have prevented him from coming to it , he resisted at times , but sometimes the feelings compelled him , but those were the times when he told himself that it was ok and he could go ahead .
” P” His mother shouted from the kitchen downstairs , he raised his head from the table his un-energetic body sat there like a stone unable to move , by this time his mother had started to create a ruckus downstairs , because there was no answer from him , she was talking to herself saying that he was an unkind child , and that , he was a monster , he raised himself up finally from the chair on which he was sitting and walked towards the door and opened it , now lay a task before him which like every time had become a habit of his , to go downstairs and face his mother, and try to be normal while his conscience pointed at the man he was and his actions which had become a serious obsession .
She looked at him and asked why it took him so long , there was no answer , but making a slight effort he said that he was busy reading and that had slept off only to be awakened by her voice , she said its OK and told him to get a packet of sugar from the general store , when he returned from the shop , he kept the packet on the dining table in the front room and walked the stairs to his room upstairs .
The vacuum which envoloped him and the room , a huge vacuum which pulled him every time , filled with false promises and excitement it only led to a shame , a shame mixed with feeling of isolation and pity , it was weird what pulled him towards the computer screen everyday , which made his pulse rush so fast and which felt like a current rushing through his body , the images were so soft and friendly , they strongle pulled those isolated feeling all together at once like a huge ball which contained all good things one could expect , but once it was all over – the ball would disappear into the air as if it had been just a dream , it all fell so crushingly as if falling from a great height .
But now he was a little more determined this time , he would definitely test his patience and no temptations could sedate him now , and in this conviction , he sat down to read , he took from the paragraph where he had stopped and once again deliberately pulled all his focus on the book, But forgetting wasn’t so easy , as once those crushed energy revived themselves back together , the images came rushing back to his mind, that he would be forced to keep up with the book , and re double his focus on it , but this sudden rush of energy was so enthusiastic , that all other things seemed so small compared to it , after all it was a matter of enthusiasm, the peculiar rush like a fantastic current running through ones body . Would each and everyone leave their daily duties to be dazzled by this energy ,after all it was so addictive , he kept his book aside and thought for a moment , he was stumbled by the race of thoughts both negative and positive one pulled him towards the Monitor the other away from it .
But would one rapid glace would do any harm , after all it was just for fun , it wont be anything physical , he kept inching towards the computer screen , when suddenly something ticked inside, he walked back and sat on the sofa , what an exasperatingly lazy and lonely guy he was , he had no freinds , and thoughts of passion forced through his life , he rubbed his hair and thought again about the step he was going to take, and also thought of where he was leading himself to , and that the journey on that path had no U Turn , that once dirt trickles in , it always stays it can only be submerged by positivity and will power , and in his case both were so low at his disposal.
He closed his eyes and lead his thoughts through all those images which were just a creation of this dirty habit he had acquired a few years back ( no it was not few , but almost 10 years back ) his classmates who come to his house after the last exam , circled around the computer screen , and were aroused by those images , it was not he but they who were to be blamed they had introduced him to something he had not known till that moment , and it was extremely dirty and penetratingly shameful , what could someone gain from looking at those images . It was just the feeling which ran through one’s body something so soft .
THE BELL WAS RINGING AND SOMEONE WENT TO ANSWER IT …. , he was sitting right infront of the computer and he could feel his heart beating fast and fast as he began to make his approach, it was cut short by the noise outside the room , someone came in , he froze and kept looking at the computer screen, but no one came in , even slight steps took the breath out of him , he stopped , and looked back ,the door was comfortably shut , its wooden gloss , took the life out of him , and he felt for something in his body it was the rush of passion and beauty , he controlled himself for a while but could not do it all together something told him to stop , but everything else in his body , in his mind ran towards this passion this beauty which was substantial enough to knock all life out of one’s senses .
But he couldn’t control himself now he had to do something either run or submit , either be ashamed or brave it up , he forcefully got up from his seat and walked towards the toilet and inside on the mirror looked at himself , and pitied for something , something which was not visible now to him , which was there some where lost in something , lost in all his passions and unbelief , lost in this loneliness , lost in this vacancy which was his life , his unbelief towards life exaggerated explosively at such moments , when they appeared bigger more bigger than anything else.
There was a slight movement of the door a whirrrrrrr he ran his hands over his face and his mother called out to him ” P ” .
prabalphilip 