I notice some faces infront of me everyday,
I notice them each day freezed in time,
But i dont recogonize mine,
Cause i dont exist in their cells .
I sit separately on a chair –
sharing emptiness next to me-
an emptiness of space and feelings
they do look at me at times,
but only to look away .
Grabbing my head he slaps me twice
and then calls me ugly names,
but i wait and recogonize it is not my fault
but theirs ,
they can’t take whats different and I am
not like them .
He laughs again the boy who caused me
all the shame ,
he laughs and knows that he is a kleptomaniac,
but still teachers accuse me for all the fault is mine –
the guy with the tanned skin –
has no worth in their eyes .
But i know someday i will slip away
through all the abuse and shame,
I can feel it in my fingers this Bullying
wont last when i finally slip away-
from their hands.
That classroom is just an empty space .
I am a man with an unsure personality
One who is Happy , the other who is sad,
One who is shy and the other cocky,
I have all these worlds in me , Unsure of which I really am
Since childhood I guess I have been this way ,
Told by my peers That i am joke to them
They left me – and tortured me as they liked
While I burned in self doubt-
They released me into the World – crooked and straight
I couldnt carve my way ahead
Unsure of where it lead .
My complexes were never well recieved,
I am a human after all ,
ready to choose what I like,
But my peers and their ghosts still follow me ,
They torture me as they like ,
My devils eat my solitude and make me go mad –
I still ask for forgiveness from myself –
Though it had never been my fault –
I wish There were some way out
of this craziness Called self doubt.
Forgive me – If I am being Negative –
Though positivity is my other trait –
Unsure where i have lost it –
I am sure it must be here somewhere .
Why Am I So Lonely,
Wherever I go ?
Why all the seats are Empty
Next to mine ?
People ask me questions
To which I have no answers
Just a nod of the head
And then I move on
No one can fill my loneliness
Its just me and me alone,
Like Midnight and an empty room
Like Empty Afternoons – without noises ,
Making me Anxious of My own Presence
Loneliness all the time,
People come with Promises
Only to leave back emptiness,
And while they were there
It was all about them ,
Their View through their eyes
Their touch and their feeling
Where was I ?
Hours pass by without a stop
And time never Tires
Cause loneliness never made me realise
How lonely I always was
People still ask me questions
To which i have no answers
Just a nod of the head and then I move on
Same day Each Day ,
My Shadow and My Companion
My Friend and My Enemy,
Eating Away My Piece of Land
And after the seige controlling everything
From Morning to night we are same
But Not my Mechanical Mind
Let It Go,
Let it go
If Its Uneasily Sticking at you,
day by day breaking you,
Memory of a Reckless past,
and the Constantly Painful Present,
Pass through the Moment with a Beautiful smile,
On your Lips Let the sadness die
And let your weary thoughts brush off your mind,
While she sits thoughtfully stooped on a chair
Her white hair
and Blurry Eyes thinking of a dark past ,
The Only opening is the present – which like a Golden Spring Ecloses her ,
The Only Thought that escapes her mind is to let it go
The Remainder of her days
Will then be courageously spent,
Let it go then –
The Uneasy Memories and Feelings,
So that you can smile – at the Golden day
The Voices Ring in My ear
They will Hardly Go Away,
Voices from Past Which mix into the Present ,
Memories of Yesterday Break Me,
of School time Unhappily Spent ,
I break into those Voices
Faces Laughing –
Calling Me By Nicknames
” An Overgrown Idiot”
Teachers Dubbed Me,
Was it My Fault ? NO MAN
Students Kicked Me
Called Me darky – Just Like The Dark Clouds
Depression Rained Over Me
Day by Day Depression Broke me Into Silence
Coming Home Sitting In a Corner
And letting it all rub Away ,
I looked for My Teachers – But They Too Broke Me-
“You’re Worthless Prabal ” They Said
But the Good ones They still stay close to me
In The Present – I am silent Shadow
Over which the Past Rubs Itself ,
The Past is a tragedy
The Present an Opportunity ,
But Bad Memories Break Me ,
The Crowd Hardly Understands- Wake Up Prabal You’re 31
Raise Your Head , Straighten Your Back
Become a Man ,
Look into the Eyes and Talk ,
” I talk but Bad Memories Break Me ”
– People- If you cant share my Pain
then don’t add to it ,
I want to be your Friend but Bad memories Break me
I suffer from PTSD Silently
Let me not share it ,
But carry it silently in My Head ,
Like The Dark Filled Clouds –
About to Rain ,
IN spite of Everyone I am all alone ,
Depression Spreads it Tentacles
Catches me by my Throat and Makes me A Victim
Victim of Memories, Harassments and Bullying
I stand alone ,
Facing the Crowd ,
Surrounded By Bad Memories ,
I want to Be Your Friend Talk and End this Loneliness
This Vacant Space
But Bad Memories Break Me .
I am deeper than I thought,
I am more complex,
Let me remember how lucky,
Deeper than I thought,
Breathing heavily I take on life-
Breathing wearily I Stop
But at such moments I am determined to go on –
I am complete when I am me
I own my face
I own my eyes
I own my life
I am better than most who have nothing
I am better than the worst I could have been –
I wake up each day and I am Impressed.
DEDICATED TO – JACQUI SABURIDO , TURIA PITT , KATIE PIPER AND MORE
I have stopped-
Out of frustration ,
Out of sadness,
Out of fear
But before I give in to the darkness-
Let me know me ,
Let me see me and feel me,
I felt like a dead all my life,
For once let me feel alive,
Before i give in to you Oh World-
Before you turn me into yourself.
She is Missing . I go without Amiss to the Balcony , but I dont see her where is she ? I cant even ask the other people In Her house , I barely know them.
What would they think ? ” Why is he asking ? ”
Time flies away days without a journey, days without any meaning . Anxiety purely runs along my flesh , Depression that life has come to such a stand . there’s no escape wherever you go The Virus is everywhere .
Dad bends over a book reading, he has been trying to keep himself busy , apart from the office work we do in the Afternoon till the Evening . We are waiting to head back to office and desperately need to plan out something .
Where is she ? Her small face, those bushy eyebrows her perfect hair tied in a pony at the back, the smile which contained so much brilliance , Where is she ? Has she locked herself Inside ?
The evenings have nothing special when I would see her standing on her balcony with her little Nephew in her arms, The Kid would look at me Cooing – calling me out and she too would turn and look at me .
But Where is she ? she cant be sitting in her home the whole day . Oh I am sure she needs a Break Now and Then when she would come to her Balcony and stare at the scenes outside.
I desperately Need to look at you . See you . Where are You ? The sun was up Fiercely i stood in the balcony Silence mixing with heat , Boring and Listless streets . But you filled all this up With JOY with EXPECTATIONS .
She is Missing Time that Lies has took her Away . And i wait desperately to know her Address.
Its raining outside smooth cool breeze is blowing since morning, giving a relief over the hot weather that had prevailed over us for the past few days .
People walk on the streets their masks sheltering them from the virus . An elderly man passed away due to the Virus , But like before nobody is collecting before his house People just want to be safe this is the new Normal.
Her small face, her eyes fill with joy as she enjoys the cool weather outside, she can hardly think of anything else but the cool wind which lightens up her face lightens her up too .
I look at her from the corner of my eye she knows that I am looking ,P the Handsome boy stands on his balcony but she is not looking at him .
The only thing that she cares for today is the wonderful weather the rain that has set from the heavens( Especially for her ) my heart beats without a stop today she looks more beautiful.
There is something in her that does not reveal itself it is there in her eyes, her face , her hair, the magic ,the intelligence that is hidden . In the afternoon with her nephew in her arms he enjoys her company, the company i crave for
How do I express it ? I am just confused . Maybe she knows it and is hiding it maybe she wants me to say it .But how do I ?
Her house is next to mine separated by a small road
Even the afternoon heat cannot take her from my thoughts . Hot Humid nights when I lie down to sleep, I think of her . What must she be doing ? Maybe studying or off to sleep Does she think of me when she lays her head on her Pillow.
‘What is her name ? ‘ I can imagine a thousand names , but none will suit her . Only her real name will .
The page has Been left blank,
With nothing to write,
Thoughts and Thoughts,
But nothing to put down on Paper,
My feelings tend to originate
But looking down the road they disappear somewhere
Each day a thousand moments,
Each day a small inch, a small inch towards tomorrow
What do I write,
What do I write,
The page has been left blank today